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FATAL FLAWS OF THE NOVICE SCREENWRITER Look at the cast of characters in Pulp Fiction. Barely a single good guy in sight. Vince is a scumbag, Jules is a scumbag, “The Wolf” is a scumbag, and brother Marselles sure ain’t gonna win any Good Citizenship awards. But we like these people. They’re entertaining and complex, and we sure don’t mind hanging with them for 160 minutes.
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On-the-Nose Dialogue In other words, don’t tell us exactly what the characters think or feel. For instance: JOANNE ROGER JOANNE ROGER You could rewrite that as: JOANNE ROGER JOANNE And here’s another one: Jane, Frank, and Ken react sadly to the death of their friend Josephine. Frank sobs like a baby. JANE FRANK KEN Frank grabs a bottle of vodka and drinks. KEN FRANK JANE Ouch. If that’s not on the nose, then what is? (And no, it wasn’t from a comedic script.) Find ways of imparting information without nailing it on the head (i.e., subtext). Again, it’s perfectly OK to be a little vague, a little mysterious, and keep the reader/audience guessing a bit. So, you could rewrite the above as: KEN Frank reaches for a bottle of vodka. KEN FRANK KEN
For example: JOHN MARY JOHN MARY JOHN MARY People just don’t talk in this stilted, robotic manner. When appropriate (which is most of the time), it’s okay to use a contraction. So, instead of… Do not, use don’t. JOHN MARY JOHN MARY JOHN MARY
I’ll often read descriptive passages like this: Tom and Frank walk down the street together. They are best friends. Frank was also married to Tom’s sister at one time. Right now Tom and Frank are angry with each other. So how do we film all this? WE CAN’T! This is all stuff you might read in a novel. It doesn’t belong in a screenplay. If Tom and Frank are best pals, show us by their playful brotherly antics. If Frank was married to Tom’s sister once upon a time, then that’s something you can impart via a brief bit of dialogue, or (in another scene) a wedding photo of Frank and Tom’s sister. If Tom and Frank are pissed off with each other, then that’s something you can show with some angry looks and brusque dialogue. Or, for another example: Sidney sits alone at the counter, eating oatmeal. He is anxious –- a disorder stemming from an abusive childhood. As written, the anxiety disorder portion of this description is something we can’t film. If we can’t film it, the audience won’t know about it. You could impart this information by showing Sidney wringing his hands, or sweating profusely when he’s in a crowd of people. Then you could have a bit of dialogue later when he talks about hating his father for what he did. You don’t have to nail it on the head with dialogue like, “I hate my dad for molesting me.” No, just a few choice words that clue us in that something went terribly wrong in Sidney ’s childhood. The reader/audience will be able to connect the dots. So…if we can’t SEE or HEAR it, don’t write it!
Most novice screenwriters have a tendency to write fatty script. By this I mean scripts that contain action and/or dialogue that do nothing (or very little) to progress the story. Let’s say you have a dramatic story about a middle-aged married couple—Tim and Arlene—and they’re on the verge of divorce. They go out to dinner to discuss their marriage and what can be done, if anything, to save it. Here’s one “fatty” way the scene could be written: HOST They follow the Host through the restaurant and to a table in a quiet corner. HOST TIM The Host moves off. Time and Arlene get comfortable at the table. TIM ARLENE The smiling WAITER steps up. WAITER ARLENE TIM WAITER The Waiter moves off. Tim and Arlene look about the restaurant, doing whatever necessary to avoid each other’s eyes. Then finally... TIM She looks at him. TIM ARLENE TIM ARLENE Tim looks at her a long moment, then... TIM The Waiter returns with two glasses of wine, sets them down. WAITER TIM WAITER TIM ARLENE WAITER TIM WAITER The Waiter moves off. Tim and Arlene turn their attention back to each other. TIM ARLENE TIM ARLENE TIM Arlene looks deep into his eyes, lovingly. ARLENE OK, so that’s your scene. A good portion of it is unnecessary and can easily be cut. After all, do we really need to see Tim and Arlene enter the restaurant, chat with the host, walk through the restaurant, be seated at their table? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Why? Because none of that stuff does anything to progress the story. Here’s one way you could trim that scene: INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT Tim and Arlene are seated in a cozy corner booth, both doing whatever necessary to avoid each other’s eyes. The smiling WAITER steps up. WAITER ARLENE TIM WAITER The Waiter moves off. Then finally... TIM She looks at him. TIM ARLENE TIM ARLENE Tim looks at her a long moment, then... TIM A poignant moment between them. Then... TIM ARLENE TIM ARLENE TIM Arlene looks deep into his eyes, lovingly. ARLENE The Waiter returns with two glasses of wine, sets them down. WAITER Tim looks up at the Waiter, manages a thin, rather sad smile. TIM OK, so it’s not Casablanca —but you get my point, don’t you? Trim your scenes; keep only what’s absolutely necessary to forward the plot, story, motivations, etc.
Always remember who your characters are. Think of their ages and their backgrounds. Some young dude who grew up in the projects and sells crack, more than likely won’t speak the way a middle-aged Manhattan attorney speaks. For instance: Fred, a 60-ish lawyer, emerges from his Mercedes Benz. A Mugger jumps him, shoves a knife in his face. MUGGER LAWYER MUGGER LAWYER ...or the reverse can also be applicable: MUGGER LAWYER MUGGER Or in this scene: MOMMY puts her SON in his tiny bed with the SpongeBob sheets. MOMMY SON …or this: In a courtroom as the Judge admonishes the Suspect. JUDGE Again, always remember what type of character you’re writing for…and give them an appropriate voice.
Can YOU spot the superfluous description? Fred takes a seat in a purple chair. He glances at his moderately expensive watch, notes the time. He pulls a large, black comb from his right-side pocket and combs his reddish-gray hair. Unless it’s pertinent to the storyline, we don’t care what color the chair is, we don’t care how much his watch costs, we don’t care about the size or color of his comb, we don’t care which pocket he pulls it from, and we couldn’t give a rat’s rear end what color his hair is.
INT. BAR – NIGHT It looks like a typical bar... What does “typical” mean? Is it an upscale bar, like one you’d find in Beverly Hills ? A sleazy bar you’d find down by the docks? INT. MANSION – DAY It looks like the house from the TV show Dynasty. Ugh. Please don’t reference other movies or old TV shows. I’m not saying give us an entire page of description, but give us the essence of the setting—a thumbnail image of what your specific location looks like.
A while back I read a script where the main aspect of character description was the verb smiling. Yup, there was quite a lot of smiling goin’ on. He smiled. She smiled. They smiled. They were all smiling. Smile, smile, smile. I’m serious. Virtually every page of the script had at least one instance of someone smiling. There were some pages where you could find six or eight variations of “smile”! So I told the writer, “You need to find other ways to convey characters’ feelings/emotions.” A few months later I did another critique for this writer, a different script, and this was the predominant descriptive term: He frowned. She frowned. They frowned. They were all frowning. Frown frown frown. ARRGH!! |
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Unnecessary “Bits of Business”/Over-describing the Action
Let’s see…John is the only person in the scene, yet the writer found it necessary to tell us his name at every available opportunity. And what’s with these silly directions? Without changing the dialogue, here’s one way I might rewrite it: (on phone) (concerned now)
Didn’t you see me over there?
Joe is 32-years-old, medium height and a little overweight, with blonde hair and blue eyes. A TRASHMAN (57, overweight, with long, slick-backed hair) picks up the trash bag and tosses it into the back of the truck. As with describing your setting, just give us the essence of the character and let the director and/or the casting director work their magic. It can be annoying experience reading a script that looks like an accountant’s balance sheet. For instance: Before Rhett Butler swept Scarlett off her feet and carried her up those stairs, did he first say, “Scarlett, I’m gonna sweep you off your feet and carry you up those stairs”? No, of course not—he just did it! So, if we’ve seen it, or if we’re about to see it, there’s usually no reason to have your characters talk about it. For instance: I’ve read my fair share of uninspired, lackluster sex/love scenes over the years. Here’s just one example: TOM LOUISE Tom kisses Louise. Louise returns his kiss. They kiss on the lips for a while. Tom kisses Louise’s face and neck. Louise runs her fingers over Tom’s back. Um, yeah. You couldn’t turn on a light switch with this stuff. Go read some “hot” scripts (i.e., The Postman Always Rings Twice, 9 ½ Weeks, or Basic Instinct), and see how it’s done right. And, oh yeah, date more.
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Too Many Locations Jack and Jill stand together on the front steps. She goes inside the house. Jack turns and walks back to his car. I wanted it to work between us...but we’re two different people. JILL Eva now realizes...the body is Steven! Whatever. Point is, you need to milk those suspenseful beats. Make us experience those terrifying/suspenseful moments along with your character(s). INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT Two masked gunmen load their assault rifles. INT. BANK – SAME All is normal...then BLAM...the masked gunmen barge in. Sure, you could use “SAME” (or “CONTINUOUS”) in this instance, but to me it just feels a bit sloppy. If the producers want to put this in their shooting script, let ‘em. I choose to keep it either “DAY” or “NIGHT.”
In the real estate business it’s all about “Location, location, location!” but when writing a screenplay, that’s not necessarily the case. Many inexperienced screenwriters make the mistake of loading their scripts with a myriad of locations. I’ve read a number of scripts where there’s a new location on virtually every page. This means somewhere in the vicinity of 70-80 separate locations in the script! That’s waaaaaay too many. Locations cost a production company time. Time is money. Lots of money. Producers don’t like to spend more money than they have to.
Unrealistic Phone Conversation
Unless you’re writing a whacky comedy, don’t let a character hold BOTH sides of a phone conversation. Such as:
JOE
(on phone)
What’s that, you’re going on a trip? But where are you going? You’re going to Tahiti? But with who? You’re going with Rex?
This sort of thing worked great on sitcoms from the 50s, 60s and 70s (i.e., “I Love Lucy,” “The Dick Van Dyke Show” or “The Bob Newhart Show”), but nowadays, for a feature screenplay, it’s fairly ludicrous, especially if you’re writing anything other than a comedy. Either intercut the conversation with the other character, or let us hear the other character’s voice filtered through the phone, or rework the dialogue so it sounds plausible/realistic.
No Emotion (in an Emotional Scene)
Nothing kills a heart-rending scene faster than characters who display no real emotion. For example:
JILL
I wanted it to work between us...but we’re two different people.
JACK
But I can change. I know I can.
JILL
It’s too late for that, Jack. I’m so sorry.
She touches his arm.
JILL
I should go. Bye, Jack.
Boy, now that’s sure a real heart-tugger, ain’t it? Um, no. OK, so let’s add a bit of emotion to it. Something like this:
Jack and Jill stand together on the front steps. Jill has tears brimming in her eyes.
JILL
Now tears are brimming in Jack’s eyes.
JACK
But I can change. I know I can.
JILL
It’s too late for that, Jack.
She looks deep into Jack’s pitiful face, fighting not to completely lose it. She puts her arms around him, holds him tight.
(a whisper)
I’m so sorry.
It becomes too much for her –- and she pulls away and rushes into the house, closing the door after her.
Jack stands there, crushed, utterly lost.
No need to go overboard with these emotional beats. But give us something to latch onto, something that makes us feel something for your characters.
No Suspense (in a Suspenseful Scene)
In a comedy, you need situations and lines of dialogue that are funny. In a drama, you need situations and lines of dialogue that are dramatic. In a thriller, you need to build tension and suspense. Here’s a fairly incorrect way to do this:
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
In the darkness, Eva walks to the door on the other side of the room and opens it. A body tumbles out. Steven’s body! Eva screams and runs from the basement.
Rather dull, ain't it? So let’s snazz it up a bit. Maybe something more like this:
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Eva stands in darkness. Somewhere, water drips, drips, drips rhythmically.
Slowly, she makes her way across the floor. Her breathing more ragged with each step she takes.
She finally reaches a door. Fumbles for the knob, turns it. But it won’t open. She tugs and yanks furiously, frantically.
The door gives way, swings open wide...and a body tumbles out, falling onto Eva. Both crumble to the floor.
She wails like a banshee, crying hysterically, trying to get out from under the limp corpse.
Using “CONTINUOUS”/”SAME”
Many writers improperly use “CONTINUOUS” and/or “SAME” in their scene headings. I personally never use either of them. But if you do, only use them when you’re moving from one location to an immediately adjacent location. For instance:
Joe comes down the hall, goes through a door and into...
INT. DEN – CONTINUOUS
Joe enters, moves to the desk and takes a seat.
The use of “CONTINUOUS” doesn’t really work when you’re first at an interior locale then at an exterior locale (i.e., walking down the hall, exiting a front door and emerging outside on the front porch). You could argue that using “CONTINUOUS” or “SAME” is acceptable when used in this manner:
INT. BANK – DAY
Tellers go about their business. Customers stand in line, fill out deposit slips...
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND BANK – DAY
Miscellany
Please…know the difference between the words than and then.
INCORRECT: “She is smarter then he is.”
CORRECT: “She is smarter than he is.”
INCORRECT: “Jack sits there much longer then he should.”
CORRECT: “Jack sits there much longer than he should.”
Please…don’t clutter your script by overusing exclamation points!!!!!! It can be tough reading scenes that looks like this:
JOE
Mary!!!!
MARY
Joe!!!
JOE
Oh, Mary, I thought you were gone...gone forever!!!!!
MARY
No, my darling, not gone forever...just on vacation!!!!!
JOE
Vacation???? Without me???!!!
MARY
But, my sweetness, you hate the beach!!!
So...one exclamation point, one question mark!!! Okay???? Great, thanks!!!
